Sept 11.... I have a hard time on this day

And it shows.

I got off work early today and got to the farm about noon. No Mom. No car. Gary said she hadn't called him or walked to his place to see if he could go with/take her anywhere. He was watching divorce court when he heard her car leave.
Gary called Hancocks and asked if she was there. They said she had been but they didn't have her brand of cigarettes so she went over to the highway. Oh ! And Cactus was there so he went with her.
I was sitting in my car talking on the phone when she drove up. I don't even think the presence of my car registered with her because when I walked into the house a few minutes later she looked surprised.

I told her I was glad she was home safe. Then I asked her why she didn't call someone to bring her what she needed. And then I told her it hurt when it appears she can't lean on her kids for a change since we've all leaned on her our whole lives..... said it would give us a chance to give back a little.

Then I asked her about her cane. " I don't need that anymore." she said. And I lost it. I raised my voice and literally stomped my feet. The deck is wet, the steps are wet, the grass is wet. So, I lost my temper.

She says. "But what about my independence ?" I told her that Grandma had realized when to give her up ! It was not pleasant, this little interlude.

So - there you have my confession. And - know that I am doing my best to give this all up to God. I can only do what she will let me do. That is all ANY of us can do. Legally, we have no recourse unless someone wants to take her to court, strip her of her rights and become responsible for it all.

Ya'll say a prayer for me as I battle this out in my heart and in my head, will you ? I need them desperately right now.

I love you,
a