Incident. Was I right or not? Gary's son, the car thief and a friend his age unknown to me came "to visit Mrs. Cowan." It soon became clear that was not why they were there. They were just hanging out, talking on their cell phones. Not a word to Helen. I had a bad gut feeling about them being there, took them both on the front porch, told them of Helen's condition, that I was her care taker and that we were limiting the visitors to close, known friends. (Remember, Helen will let anyone in the door whether she knows them or not, and has, a "drug prostitute," as Gary called her. He just happened over and ran her out on the highly probable cause that she was "casing the joint." I pretty much did the same thing today. Cactus is on my list of "unwelcomes" as well as on Scott's list too. If I stepped on anyones' emotional toes, I'm sure I'll hear about it, but as long as I'm there, Helen is not holding an "open house." She's too vulnerable, too friendly, and her judgement is questionable. All feedback appreciated. R

Very peaceful day. Quiet, save for Cactus, who cannot help but be loud. Morning spent dispensing med, organizing VHS colllection. Amy came over with pooches. We all ate Dorothy's Chicken Enchiladas and Spanish Rice. The rest of the time spent all calmly reading. Amy took Helen to meet Becky at Wal Mart for sweatshirts for what may be a cold Texas. Helen repeated to Cactus, but not to me. Got her CD player up and running. Washed dishes. Pretty uneventful day, actually. The best kind. R.

Sunday with Mom

Today was pleasant enough. Amy and I took Mom to the 407 flee market. We slowly followed her around, being ever so aware that she didn't have much strength today, and we may have to save her from a fall at any minute. Amy took her by the elbow and forearm to help steady her. Well, Mom was QUICK to inform Amy she was fine and didn't need help. I don't know about Amy, but for me, it's really hard and awkward to reach to hold Mom's hand or take her by the arm, offering support. The reality is....it's much much harder for Mom to admit she needs help, or receive it when it's offered. I suppose I should take comfort in her attitude, for I know it won't be much longer til she has no choice in the matter.
As usual, Mom was jovial at times and confused at others.
Mom loves to get out and go places. It doesn't really matter where. She'll go anywhere you want to take her. I think getting her out of the house for a while let's her get some exercise, and helps to stimulate her mind.
I love the fact that she is still able to get out and go. She is trying real hard to stay independent, so I'm giving her enough slack in the rope to allow her the independence she so desperately needs, while at the same time being very cautious to keep her safe.
Thanks for going with me today Amy. I know this is hard and sad at the same time, but I like to do anything that makes her smile a little. Plus I loved your company :-).
Thanks for all you are doing for Mom. I'm looking forward to your vacation. YOU NEED A BREAK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to all,
Becky

Sat Oct 10

I was going to go to the farm today and be with Mom. I called her before I started out there and asked if she would like some company or if she'd like a morning to just be alone. I figured she might. She hasn't had much private 'helen time' in a while.
She said I was always welcome and I asked again.... "Mom ! I know I am always welcome, but what would YOU like today." She thought for a minute and said she'd rather have a space of time where she didn't feel 'monitored'. So..... she is off to Crossville with Gary and some other folks tonight. I thought she might like to know she does have a choice about me coming out there. And so I didn't go.
Becky said she might go gallivanting with mom tomorrow so I'll call before I go out there, but if she is home I'll run out for a while and visit and take the dogs.

I love you all.
a

A beautiful day weather-wise. Helen and I spent a lot of time on the deck, watching birds, just taking in the beauty. We went inside when she started to get cool and spent the afternoon talking mostly about Ed. I hooked up her VCR to the sitting room TV so we could watch videos. I carved a bit. Helen read a bit. Scott had brought over the once-a-month calcium pill for her and left the newly-filled Aricept bottle. I did the pill count so I'll know if Helen says "I already took it" if she really did or not.

I drove the Buick home to begin "learning it " for the Texas trip. It seems to do everything but make coffee, and probably does that, if I can locate the button. Got the oil changed. (the car "told" me electronically it needed one.) All the fluids were good, so mechanically, the car is ready to go.

Slight change of plans trip-wise. Helen and will leave at some ungodly hour on the 29th, the change is that Amy, the dear, is flying in to DFW after work Friday the 13th, and Helen and I will pick her up there about 10:30 and make a bee-line for Knoxville from DFW, arriving sometime late Saturday morning or early afternoon, the 14th, the day we had planned to return, we'll just be leaving at 11p.m. All prayers appreciated. R.

Yes, waaay to many distractions this weekend, but I can't say I wouldn't have reacted in sort of the same way.....

Tuesday we went to the bank to take care of some trip business and for Helen to get $800, $100 of which she immediately spent on three cartons of cigarettes across the road. We got back home only to find they were the wrong kind of Senecas so I jumped back in the car, high-tailed it to the store and exchanged them for her kind. After that, I did the dishes and spent a full half-hour getting her CDs into the proper cases. She has 25 Don Williams' CDs! I wrote his web page today and requested an 8 x 10 glossy autographed by Don. We'll see what happens. Then it was on to Hancock's for lunch. I tried to buy but Helen wouldn't allow it. Amy was there when we got back and we talked, Helen read some, looked at those old photos some. She definitely needs people, just not gobs of them and they must be peaceful. A person with dementia may not pick up on what you say, but they do pick up on what your mood is. It's uncanny, I know, but go over to see her when you are irritated and see if she doesn't become irritated too. That works both ways, of course, your mood influencing her in a positive way. She's "there" and she's not; she remembers and she doesn't; she knows what's happening and she doesn't....all at the same time. It's all very gray, not all black, not all white. You just have to keep your antennas up and hope you guess right. Just when you expect her to be "on" she's off, just when you think she has forgotten, she remembers. Love, listen, be as positive as you can, pretend when you have to. R.

oops...sorry...last post was from me Becky

This is Mon. afternoon and I just called Mom. She acted surprised to hear from me. She asked if I were back in town yet, or was I still up in the sticks. It's sad to say, but she doesn't remember I was at her house last night. :-( She forgets seeing alot of people from day to day.

becky

I was at Mom's also for the party. I arrived after everyone else, so I don't know what had transpired before I arrived. Maybe she paid quite a bit of attention to Steve, Sharon, Chuck and Laurice before I got there. She was really glad to see Emily and Matt, Ryan, Hanna and baby.
She was glad Amy and I were there too...but we are there ALL the time, so I didn't expect her to make a fuss over us. And she didn't.
What I saw was a WIDE eyed mom. The stare, that is too often on her face, is sad to me. It's like she is trying to stay alert, but is struggling with what's going on around her. Maybe she's having a difficult time in processing so many things going on at once. She seems to be able to focus on only one thing at a time. Yes, she was either playing with Jonathan (which is what she would have been doing 10 years ago) or looking through her boxes of pics. She was showing me pics of long ago, when I was involved with other conversations. She kept saying, "Becky, look at this one". "Have you seen this"?, repeatedly, til I got up and went to look at the picture.
I believe there were too many voices going on at once and she couldn't decipher which one to tune into, so she just went into her own little world, not acknowledging ANY of the conversations going on around her.

Was at Mom's last night for Laurise's birthday party. Was it just me or did she just seem a little disconnected ? Nothing blatant but she seemed to be not quite with the whole party thing. She played with Johnathan, she told 'stories' about the farm. Told Steve and Sharon that she'd seen a Blue Heron at the lake - the first she had seen in 'years and years'.
Just my observation. Maybe it was having so many of us there late in the evening. And thoughts form the rest of you who there there ?

Friday. Got out there about 8:30 so we could be at the Expo Center right on the button at 9, only to find out the button was at noon. So, for three hours we drove around all of Helen's old haunts, Goins Rd. (now Nature Way) where she was raised. Beverly Place, where the family was raised. Decided we we're hungry so we went to Shoney's breakfast bar. We really hurt 'em. We were starved. By then it was time to go back to the Expo and Helen did real good "looking pitiful" (as I told her to do so we could butt in line, which we pulled off w/o a hitch.) Didn't get much. Helen wanted a car charger for her cell and a one-person DVD player, which we got. Then home to Max and a hyper-active Cactus. Amy showed up and she and Helen and I chatted and that was the end of my part of Helen's day. Pretty fun, all in all.

Not a bad day at all. Helen and I each read separately this morning for awhile, then chatted, then scarfed down some of Becky's chicken casserole, then watched the old b&w western, High Noon and that was really about it.

My Dr. said "you're going to have to learn to be less "family" and start being more of a professional. Dead on. My job would be easier if Helen and I d/n have an on and off 40 year hx. together. So I started doing that today. I think that's what made it a bit less stressful.

Helen was much better today. Not too much repetition of stories, not too much more than I probably repeat my stories from time to time, which was a relief after yesterday.

Focussed heavily on leading questions [if you can't converse, ask questions (it's a sure-fire technique for keeping Helen focussed on her stories, or anyone else, for that matter), and non-verbal skills: body position, eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, that sort of thing.]

For all of us, with anybody, all of the time, 90% of all communication is non-verbal. That's pretty deep, even scary, but it is so, and is esp. important when with Helen. That's about it. Got all of the dishes washed but still in the dishwasher until tomorrow. R.